Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. – Ephesians 4:15-16 ESV

“Honey, we need to talk.” Those words usually strike trepidation into the hearts of husbands when spoken by their wives. Thoughts of “What did I do now?” or “I must be in some sort of trouble again” are common.  Likewise for a pastor, the words from a church member, “Preacher, we need to talk” evoke a similar response. As we follow Jesus as his disciples, however, there are times when we must have hard conversations with one another. Those conversations may be with a spouse, a family member, a friend, a co-worker or church member. When we dare to have these difficult discussions in the present, the result is often a stronger relationship in the future. Based on the above verses, there are three things from a Biblical perspective that characterize healthy, hard conversations.

First, hard conversations are grounded in Biblical truth. John 8:32 says, “…You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Facing the truth of any situation can be incredibly liberating. I remember several years ago being aware of a man who was on his death bed, having just a few days of life remaining. There was concern among many of his Christian family members about the state of his soul. Was he right with Christ? Was he trusting in Jesus as his Savior from sin? Was he ready to pass from this life into the next?  He was never one to show any interest in religion and was quite the skeptic about God. As a result, raising the topic with him had always been avoided. Now, however, he was preparing to step into eternity. So, as one pastor stood by his bedside, he informed him that knowing Christ as Savior was his only hope after death. The minister talked and prayed with him. During that conversation the pastor learned that God had recently given him a change of heart and mind toward Jesus. As a result, his faith in Christ was strengthened, and the family was provided great comfort. Whether or not he may have been offended at hearing spiritual truth, the message of Christ had to be shared.

Second, hard conversations are motivated by Divine love. Colossians 3:12-14 says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” The driving force behind hard conversations is not to vent emotionally, seeking some sort of relief on our part. Recently a new, secular holiday has emerged called “Festivus.” It was made popular by a television comedy in which the characters celebrated it. One of the traditions of this quirky holiday is the “airing of grievances.” Each member of the family takes his turn venting to the others about what a disappointment they’ve been during the previous year! That’s just the opposite of what the Scriptures describe. We share difficult, hard truths with others because we truly love them. Not speaking would be less edifying than expressing what the Lord would have us to say kindly and respectfully.

Third, hard conversations are necessary for spiritual growth. Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” The goal of difficult discussions is never manipulative. It’s never forcing the person to do whatever we want him to do for us. The goal instead is to empower the person to serve Jesus in an even greater way than before the conversation occurred. Prayer is vital at each end of this kind of discussion. If you intend to talk with someone else on a hard topic, pray beforehand. Pray for the person’s spiritual growth. Pray for your own humility. Pray for God’s guidance and grace to be powerfully present. If you’re at the receiving end of such a discussion, pray for humility and teachability. Ask the Lord how you can mature spiritually from the experience.

So, is there a hard conversation you know you need to have with a brother or sister in Christ, but you’ve been avoiding the awkward nature of it? Have you been talking about the person rather than with the person? Will you take the necessary step now for a stronger relationship in the future? Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

With a shepherd’s heart,

Pastor David

About the Author

David Bess is pastor of the First Baptist Church, in Waynesburg, PA. He has pastored Baptist churches for over 40 years in Indiana, West Virginia, and now Pennsylvania. He resides in Washington, PA with his wife, Jeannie. Their son, daughter-in-law, and two grandchildren live in nearby Canonsburg, PA. He has MDiv and DMin degrees from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville. He is currently pursuing a MARBS degree from CBTS.

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