I recently sat under the ministry of a fellow pastor at our local fraternal. His ministry had come to an end after about five years. He began the message that day with these words, “I was not prepared for how sad ministry would make me.” That line stung me as it did many of the men gathered there that afternoon. While there are many joys and blessings uniquely attendant to gospel ministry, so too are there sorrows that few, if any, outside of ministry experience.
Of these sorrows, few are more taxing and discouraging than when people leave our church. Departures from the faith are one thing. The Bible speaks to that. But what happens when people do not leave Christ or the faith; they simply leave you and your church. They do not want you to be their pastor anymore. They do not want to be with your flock anymore.
I want to address why this matters and why it is so painful and then give some counsel in regard to how to respond. I very much want to avoid a spirit of whining or give the impression that pastoral ministry is harder or more burdensome than any other calling. Furthermore, I do not wish to cast aspersions on all of those who have left my church or your church. Sometimes that departure may be necessary for their thriving. That said, this experience is real, and it is painful.
Why this matters to us
Allow a brief biography. The Reformed Baptist Church of Louisville was constituted on September 15, 1991. 35 years ago. I have been at this church for 36 years, starting as a church planter. We constituted with 12 members, including me and my wife. In God’s kindness to us, a year later we had 24 members, and two years later we had 36 and then 48 and then 60 or more. It was seven years before we had a member resign. Yes, we had people move away, but when they did, there were tears and prayers and many tokens of love and affection. But one day, a young man who had been converted and baptized at our church called to say, “I’m not coming back.”
At that time, it was one of the hardest moments of my ministry and even of my life. That process has, in the last number of years, been repeated over 200 times. You read that right. Over 200 times. Not all of those 200 have resigned or left disgruntled; some have gotten married, taken a new job, and some have departed for glory. But a good number have said in one way or another, I don’t want to be here anymore. A number of those were people that I saw converted and baptized, loved and cared for for years, and in some cases decades. When I speak to this, I speak from painful experience.
It is rare that departure is not discouraging. It is rare that a departure is not tied in some way or another to a failure to embrace and live out the dynamics of the gospel. Some people will say I was hurt and I can’t be here anymore. Or I was disappointed with a leadership decision, and I have no alternative but to leave. I’ve grown weary here. I can’t grow here, and on and on it goes.
Departures from our fellowship bring about painful introspection (this is preferable to pride, anger, and a judgmental spirit). We ask, what is wrong with us? This disappointment not only comes to us as pastors, but it brings sorrow and confusion to the church as well.
The departure feels like (and may well actually be) a judgment on you. You have failed us. If you were a better pastor or a better preacher or a better church with better this or that, they’d still be here.
One of the most painful aspects of this is seeing the willingness of the departing member to embrace a new church with all its humanity and weakness, and yet they are not willing to grant you the same kindness. Every church that the departed member goes to has people in it. No church on earth is perfectly sanctified, but the new church gets a pass while the old church does not. This is especially painful when they start to gush to others about how great their new church is, perhaps even posting about it online.
When a departure is announced, it can breed uncertainty. What’s wrong with the leaders? Or it breeds imitation: if they leave, maybe I should leave too! It brings about anxiety about the future of the church and plans that the church has made. It brings about questions of finances. Questions about who will fill in for them since they had a part in one ministry or another. It may bring about questions concerning God’s disapproval or asking, is he chastening us?
But there are greater reasons why this hurts. We loved them. We were committed to them in a way they may never understand.
We grieve because we have a high ecclesiology. We believe the church is a body, a family, and a flock. We may grieve because we feel that we have failed them.
Some of this is a reality of the church in a fallen age. It’s also born of the reality that there are many other faithful churches that someone can go to. When Paul urged Euodia and Syntyche to get along, they did not have another church in Philippi to go to. They had to deal with the issues.
Some concluding counsel
Take care of how you remember the departed member and how you speak of them. If they have done good to your congregation over the years, that should be acknowledged and commended. If possible, remain relational. Deal with them in such a way as to make it easy for them to come back to your church.
Be inquisitive. What was behind this decision? Where will you go? Be humble, be teachable. Remember for some that this is as painful for them as it is for you.
Remember our ultimate goal is for them to thrive. If the departing member is thriving in a new location in a way they did not or could not under your ministry, rejoice.
Finally, remember the world to come. Perfect love and friendship will reign through all eternity.
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
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Jim has been with RBC since 1990. He was set aside by the church for full time ministry in November of 1991. Jim was brought to faith as a teenager and soon began to experience a desire to preach God’s Word. He trained for the ministry at Columbia Bible College in Columbia, SC (now Columbia International University) and at the Trinity Ministerial Academy in Montville, NJ. He married his wife, Becky in 1989 and they have been blessed with three daughters and one son.
